Man, I think I start these things with the phrase “It’s that time of year!” too much.
But it is.
It is the time of year that we can all forget that the year actually changes when we’re writing checks (I still write checks – with my own handwriting) after the year has changed and it’s time to reflect on the year that actually passed so that we may look forward to the year that presents itself to us and plan accordingly to resolutely change the way that we are so that we can give each other false hopes and support in order to actually think that we need to change because let’s face it, you’re pretty amazing the way you are and if you tweak one or two things in your life it may just make you happier.
Therefore, I’m making it easier on all of you and giving you suggestions as to what your New Year’s Resolutions COULD be (I’m never one to say “should,” far be it from me to tell you what you “should” be doing – I never want you to say, “Don’t should on me!”). By the way, we’re (Three Penny) going to totally be open for New Year’s Eve but we will NOT be open New Year’s Day, that’s the day that I eat chicken wings and watch the Winter Classic (Go Flyers) so I can not work that day.
Alright, here we go. These are suggestions for things to resolute for the New Year:
- Go to the gym. Once.
- With that in mind, you should start referring to your toilet as “Jim” instead of “John” so you can also say you go to the “Jim” every morning. Once.
- Acquire a selfie stick (narcissism wand) and use it constantly, specifically on speakerphone.
- Buy a page-a-day calendar (the one that has useful facts per day) and use it. Once.
- Write down everything that you did on New Years Eve as it’s happening and then, in the morning, write, “Stop it” at the bottom.
- Convince yourself that a burger a day is good for you.
- Get a tattoo of the theme song from All Things Considered on your forearm and sing it whenever anyone asks you what it is.
- Meet less people and spend more time on your phone.
- Love yourself the way that Kanye West loves himself.
- Use the phrase “Homie don’t play that” at least once a day.
- Stop crying at commercials that involve sporting events.
Of course, you should probably pick one or two of those, doing all of them would just be difficult and probably make you a weird person that does the same things that I do.
Other than that, please enjoy your New Years responsibly and with good cheer so that we can still see your faces because they’re nice and we like them.
Here’s some of the beers that you will be able to celebrate with:
- Rodenbach Caractere Rouge: If you like sour beers, this would be right up your Presidential bowling alley. It’s an Oak Aged Flanders Red made with cranberries, raspberries and sour cherries. That means it’s really sour. You should like it.
- Something you should also drink is the Alpine Pure Hoppiness, which is a really nice west coast double IPA from the west coast. You should. You should drink it.
- Also, you should drink the Hill Farmstead Abner that we just put on because you love that double IPA from Hill Farmstead.
- While you’re at it, the Geyser Gose from the collaboration between Two Roads Brewing Company and Evil Twin Brewing is very good and you should drink that too. You’ll notice on our board that the following isn’t on there because we ran out of space but it’s a Tart Wheat Ale made with Icelandic moss, rye, herbs, sea kelp, skyr (Icelandic yogurt) and birch-smoked sea salt.
- The Zero Gravity Cascara Brown is also on for your should drinking and it’s a really nice brown ale that’s made with coffee cherries (the part of the coffee before it’s roasted).
- You should try the Smuttynose S’mitsletoe that we also have which is an oak aged Biere de Garde (meaning “beer for keeping”) with black currants, sweet cherries and plum. It’s something you should try.
Oh, I could go on and on and on but I won’t. I’m resolving not to.
So, HAPPY NEW YEAR’S my friends and be safe out there!