EXT CASTLE/ARMORY WALL – Two men (Charles (moniker “C”) and Louis Philippe (moniker “LP”) are present, both smoking cigarettes constantly throughout while holding said cigarettes in atypical fashions. One of them is sitting on the ground while the other is pacing. They take turns in this fashion where one will be sitting (coming to rest with a huge audible sigh) and the other pacing. The stage is very quiet except for their audible sighs while sitting/getting up. All dialog is in a really bad French accent that will not be reflected in the written words.  

Louis Philippe:

I wish he would just get here already.

 

Charles:

Wha?

 

LP:

I wish he would just get here already.

 

C:

Oh.

 

 

[beat]

 

C (cont’d):

Wait, who?

 

LP:

Have you been paying attention to the words that have been coming out of my mouth for the past two months?

 

C:

Sort of; I remember that story you told me about stepping into the latrine bucket. And I remember the fact that it’s your daughter’s birthday in fifty-two days from now because I’ve already started teaching myself to knit so that I can make her a nice hat. And that time we talked about…

 

LP (interrupting):

No! You fool! Why do you think we are here, outside of the Bastille?

 

C:

Do you have any tobacco?

 

LP:

I don’t smoke.

 

C: (points towards the cigarette in LP’s hand)

Still?

 

LP:

My last one, this one.

 

C:

I thought we were waiting for JP.

 

LP:

We are.

 

C:

Then what?

 

LP:

Then we storm the castle.

 

C:

Just us?

 

LP: No, kitten, there’s a whole host of us.

 

C:

Us?

 

LP:

Listen, I could say the “Royal ‘US’” but I’m not sure if that’s even a colloquialism that should be used in late 18th century France.

 

C:

I’m pretty sure I would be confused by that phrase and quite possibly offended. I’m glad you didn’t say it.

 

LP:

So am I. Alright, listen kitten, JP is going to get here with the information about where and when we’re going to storm the Bastille and then we’re all going to have what those Americans just did over across the pond as they say. They have a democracy and that’s what we’re trying to get until some short dead dude comes along and makes it a dictatorship all over again.

 

C:

Are you predicting the future?

 

LP:

Are you living in the past?

 

C:

I’m not sure you’re saying what I think you’re saying.

 

LP:

It’s going to be Bastille Day! Tomorrow! Or, whenever JP shows up and let’s us know how we’re going to storm the armory and when we do, we will always celebrate July 14th from here on and call it Bastille Day!

 

C:

So, we’re waiting for JP. That seems like it’s a forced cliché.

 

LP:

It was not an original thought. Also, if he showed up, the cliché would be nullified.

 

 

ENTER JEAN-PAUL (moniker “JP”)

 

Jean-Paul:

Hey dudes!

 

LP and C TOGETHER:

Oh HEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY JP!

 

JP:

What’s shakin’?

 

C:

Nothing much, just waiting for you to show up so as not to be a plagiarism of a well known play.

 

JP:

Which play?

 

LP:

Doesn’t matter now, you’re here. Do you have any tobacco?

 

JP:

I don’t smoke.

 

 

[beat]

 

C:

Where were you dudecicle?

 

JP:

Oh, I was down at Three Penny, laying the sketches out for this whole revolution thing we got going on. They’ve got some great beers going on right now.

 

C:

Why didn’t you invite us?

 

JP:

It’s a Bourgeoisie thing, you wouldn’t understand.

 

C:

Oh.

 

LP: I could use a beer. We’ve been here a while.

 

JP:

Yeah, about that, totally sorry.

 

C:

Make me dream of beer.

 

JP:

Well, for starters, I had a beer from Oregon, USA, called Base Camp Bretta Livin which is a really cool dry sour made with apricots. Then I had an Upper Pass First Drop Pale Ale, which just gets better and better as it goes on.

 

LP: Go on.

 

JP:

It wasn’t on yet but they’re about to put Lawson’s Finest Fayston Maple Stout on, this time made with Coffee. I really wanted to be there for that one but I’m not sure if it’ll be on next Tuesday yet.

 

LP:

What’s next Tuesday?

 

JP:

It’s the 19th of July, so 5 days after Bastille Day, which is tomorrow.

 

LP:

If we ever get going.

 

JP:

We will dude, hold your horses.

 

LP:

I came on foot.

 

JP:

Three Penny is donating a percentage of their BAR sales to the Girls/Boyz First Mentoring Program from next Tuesday. The program is really killer and coordinates an advisor with a child in need of some mentoring and guidance. It’s an invaluable resource and they’re stoked to be able to help.

 

C:

I had a mentor once. It really helped.

 

JP:

It does. It’s important to have someone to talk to and to get advice from and just generally someone to spend time with who isn’t in your daily life. It’s for the kids.

 

LP:

That’s very nice of them.

 

JP:

That’s not why they do it. It’s for the kids.

 

C:

As it should be.

 

LP:

Speaking of kids; what about we talk about this whole storming the armory thing so we can get on with that whole revolution thing we talked about so we can get our bourgeois thing going on.

 

JP:

Oh that thing? I’ll take care of that. What I need you guys to do is to wait here for a guy named Frodo.

 

C:

That’s dangerously close to the name we’re trying to avoid here.

 

JP:

I know man but that’s the dude’s name.

 

LP:

What are you going to be doing?

 

JP:

Storming the castle bro.

 

EXIT Jean-Paul

 

 

C:

So we wait?

 

LP:

We wait.

 

C:

I’m only going to wait until next Tuesday when I can go to Three Penny and help raise money for the mentoring program.

 

LP:

Sounds totally reasonable. Hey, will you hold this?

 

C:

Sure.

 

EXIT Louis Philippe

 

 

C:

Oh Man.

 

 

END SCENE

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASEDONTBEOFFENDEDANDWE’LLSEEYOUNEXTTUESDAY Taproom