[phone ringing]  

[SFX of a VOICE coming seemingly from nowhere when, in actuality, it’s coming from a little box with a miniature cassette tape inside of it. Some would know what this box is because when they go back in their memory they too had one of these machines in their house/apartment. It’s called an answering machine. Back in the yea-old days of yore people didn’t have telephones on them at all times and in order to reach another human that you wished to communicate with it was necessary to find yourself located in your own house/apartment and use your own telephone in order to, what was called, “call” them. [interior comment by Super Ego #5: “we” think it’s really funny when someone tells another human that they should “hang up” their phone. Newsflash: there’s no need to hang them up anymore, we’ve surged past that.] If that person with which you yearned to speak to was not present (or attending to some other form of busy nature) you were given the opportunity to “leave a message” after a mundane tone. This is the SFX we’re talking about here. It’s the voice coming from the answering machine.]

 

VOICE: Hey, thanks for calling. We are unable to get to the phone right now [not spoken: this also never happens anymore. Right after this I’m going to change my voice mail message on my cellular telephone to say, ‘Hey, thanks for reaching out. I keep my phone on vibrato and didn’t feel it. Leave me your name, hat size and a brief undergarment and when I look at my cellular telephone next I’ll see that you called.’] so if you tell us what’s good and what’s up we’ll spit at ya whenever we receive this message.

 

SFX – MUNDANE TONE.

 

OTHER VOICE (the voice “leaving” the message): Hey Jim and Mindy and Scout and Jerry and Lewis and Boxcar and Napkin, its Jim and John from the Three Penny Pirates softball team. We were really touched that you came out to see us play last night and hope you all had fun because we think it’s a lot of fun, which is why we do it. Most of us were athletes throughout our lives and like to get together with other people in similar fashion and do, you know, athletic stuff. Men’s League Softball, played at the Dog River Fields, is a great demonstration of team play and good sportsmanship all the while providing an actually REALLY entertaining sport to watch. And, our team is pretty good and we have new uniforms this year to go along with our new hats and we look really good. Also, when we have fans there, such as you all coming down last night, it makes it all the more fun for everyone. So, yeah, um, thank you. And, if you guys are around, we’re playing a bunch of more games in the next couple of weeks such as, well, tonight for instance at both 7:15 AND 8:15. Um, OK! See you around! Have a great day!

 

SFX – A TELEPHONE HANGING UP AS THEY WERE ONCE WONT TO DO.

 

ENTER JIM carrying a VERY LARGE SNAKE. He’s petting it.

 

JIM: Oh hay Boxcar; looks like someone left us a message while I was taking you for your daily walk around the cemetery. I wonder who it was left by. Let’s play it.

 

SFX – JIM LISTENS TO THE MESSAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY.

 

“Hey Jim and Mindy and Scout and Jerry and Lewis and Boxcar and Napkin, it’s Jim and John from the Three Penny Pirates softball team. We were really touched that you came out to see us play last night and hope you all had fun because we think it’s a lot of fun, which is why we do it. Most of us were athletes throughout our lives and like to get together with other people in similar fashion and do, you know, athletic stuff. Men’s League Softball, played at the Dog River Fields, is a great demonstration of team play and good sportsmanship all the while providing an actually REALLY entertaining sport to watch. And, our team is pretty good and we have new uniforms this year to go along with our new hats and we look really good. Also, when we have fans there, such as you all coming down last night, it makes it all the more fun for everyone. So, yeah, um, thank you. And, if you guys are around, we’re playing a bunch of more games in the next couple of weeks such as, well, tonight for example at both 7:15 AND 8:15. Um, OK! See you around! Have a great day!”

 

JIM: Well that was very nice of them, don’t you think Boxcar?

 

THE SNAKE DOES SNAKE THINGS

 

JIM (cont’d): Maybe we WILL go down to their next game. I think we’ll leave you here that time; you weren’t very popular after you started in on the pole that holds the bench for the players to sit up. Getting you off was difficult. Then, I’ll take Mindy and Scout and Jerry and Lewis with me to the Three Penny Taproom, namesake of the Three Penny Pirates softball team. There I’m going to eat a really ridiculously good Porcetta Sandwich and get some pretzel rods. Their taplist is really nice right now and has transitioned into the kinds of beers that you’re going to want to drink in warmer weather. What kind of beers are those you ask, Boxcar? Well, the Zero Gravity Gose is one that sticks out first. Their version of the Tart Wheat with Coriander and Salt is very quite good and is actually an absolutely perfect beverage to drink after exercise mostly because of the salt part. And, this time of year, sour beers tend to quench my thirst better than most other things. For that side of the spectrum they have Base Camp’s Bretta Livin’ with Apricots, Almanac’s Tropical Platypus with its wine aged sour with citrus fruits stuff and they also have Poo-Tee-Weet from Hermit Thrush, which is a little drier than the other ones but it’s still PRE-TEE-SWEET if you ask me! Right? HAHA!

 

THE SNAKE DOES SNAKE THINGS

 

JIM (cont’d): Or, if I’m not really in the mood to decide on things because I’ve been outside all day in the hot hot heat then I’m just going to see if their staff have any recommendations because they’re always really good about being awesome and that’s why I go there anyway. Last time I was recommended to try Lawson’s Finest Fayston Maple Stout, which I hope they still have on. It was lovely. Then I had a bottle of Backacre that I love so much and then I was really happy. It made me want to kiss your brother, my pet frog Napkin. Say, where is Napkin anyway, I haven’t seen him in a while.

 

THE SNAKE BURPS.

 

 

END SCENE.

 

 

 

Somehowthismakesmebellylaughprettyhard Taproom.