EXT: ANNOUNCER sits in a chair. A pale peach bib hangs from his neck. Someone with too many necklaces on is hovering over him, spraying things into his hair and dabbing makeup to his cheeks. He sips from a paper cup and spits the contents out onto the ground, disturbing the helper’s hair appointment. He sits again and is further being attended to as the sound of necklaces rattling paint the air.
ANNOUNCER: Donna?! Donna! I told you I wanted hot coffee. How far did you have to go and get this? It’s ice cold. What is this a hockey rink? Why can’t we get hot coffee around here. I mean; geez you guys.
ANNOUNCER gets further attended to and stands. Another helper comes from STAGE LEFT and helps him put on his coat very awkwardly. Once dressed he is handed an extremely thin and elongated microphone and stands CENTER, right in front of a camera that is resting on the shoulder of the person using it, one person stands there with LARGE cards and one person just, well, stands there with really bad hair and a tendency to wave at no one in particular.
ANNOUNCER: Ok. How’s my hair? Good? Ok. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue. There are four pilots on the flight deck. Ok. I’m ready.
MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA puts his hands up in what would, among most circles, mean the number “5.” Then, miraculously, his hand then goes to the universal “4.” You get the idea. All the way down to “1” and then he points to the ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon sports fans and welcome to a live broadcast of today’s match up against two highly touted teams going head to head in the grudge match of the century. These two will battle it out to see where the dirt lies when the dust settles and they’re going head to head to settle the score. Each team has painstakingly prepared and the hay is in the barn. Now, all that’s left is to draw first blood and maintain the possession necessary to come away with the valuable efforts of idols amongst the likes of men and women. Let’s take a look at today’s lineup because it’s a beautiful day to play so let’s play two.
First, for the home team, the team whose beds are closest, we scour through their lineup with a fine-toothed comb:
Leading off and manning the greatest portion of pitch is The Super Bowl. Many have heard of the super human strength of this event in the past and we’re not talking about the game itself. What we’re talking about here is the actual bowls filled by the dips of everyone taking part in the Great Dip-Off at Three Penny. Every year contestants sharpen their spikes and put on the foil (literally) of the best dip that they can come up with. Then, during the Super Bowl their painstaking preparation will be judged and a winner will be crowned. Remember folks, you can’t win if you don’t show up and winning isn’t everything but we’ll all get full from the fruits of your labor.
Batting second to none is our new menu debuting next Monday. The Kitchen Team has assembled born winners that you’ll be sure to ask for autographs with a permanent pen. They’ve really outdone themselves this time and we’re really excited to lay in all on the line for you. With great individual efforts and a solid foundation, the Kitchen has really put their iron pants and brought their “A” game. We think you’ll agree; they really have had their heads in the game. Like a well-oiled machine they’re steamrolling towards you like a bull in a china factory if your taste buds were a china factory.
Next up is a real barnburner of an idea. The last time we had Jay Ekis’ in house doing his Solid Gold Sing Along he took the house down. A good time was had by all and no one was headed to the turnstiles until the last ounce of energy was left on the field. He’s back and always better than every. The day before Valentine’s day will go down as the day of infamy and Mr. Ekis will give his great individual effort in order to make the team better by playing in the corner. He’ll be putting on a clinic and you are encouraged to sing along! It gets your head in the game when you get to act like a team and play like a team. So, we’ll see you here on the 13th of February for a whole new ballgame of unanswered points.
Now let’s take a look at the utility players chomping at the bit to contribute to the team as a whole:
A stout defender and a stout in general, we turn our attention first to the Founders Imperial Stout. Starting out at a young age from humble beginnings, this beer is a surefire laser of a base hit. Truly it is the nail in the coffin for Imperial Stouts.
Flanking him on the left will be Victory Hop Ticket. Wearing number 4.7% ABV Tick (as his teammates call him) isn’t one to trot the bases often; he’s just a small ball kind of guy. But it’s the fractions that matter in a game of inches and you can get down the field anyway you want, as long as you get there. A real juggernaut of Session IPAs, Tick takes the field every day and is always the first one in the building and the last to leave.
On deck and batting clean up is a guy who needs no introduction. This round mound of rebound goes by the name Enjoy By but everyone just knows him as 2/14/14. You see; that’s your dead line to catch this spectacle of spectacular in the flesh. It's a 9.4% Imperial IPA that’s as fresh as Kentucky Bluegrass in the springtime at Yankee Stadium. You can’t get to the hall of fame without first walking through the door so get here fast as this is faster than a speeding bullet and goes down with the ease of three pumas dancing.
But wait, it’s not over til it’s over and the fat lady and Elvis are off getting hot dogs. We put our whole blade on the ice for this one: soon, we’ll see the triumphant return of the Cuvee des Jacobin Rouge. A real knock out of the park here, folks. Jake is a fine, outstanding player with great speed and a knack for the net. The crowd will go wild and babies will be named after it, statues will be erected of the one that separated the men from the boys. It hits the head right on the screws as an amazing Flanders Red, perfectly companioned with a glass to drink it out of and everything.
Well, without further ado and without the aid of nets, I leave you to witness the rest of your days with a little light in your step and a lift to your hearts. Remember, you don’t play not to lose; you play to win. In whatever your day brings you and the days coming up I hope you have the good foot in the right place and rub some dirt on it. Just keeping in mind that you have to act like you’ve been there before and nothing comes for free so put in the long hours and dedication to the overall picture and you’re bound to come out of the other side. Until the braces clatter will glee and the puck starts bouncing in our favor I’ll keep on bringing you all the pertinent information that I see fit to enhance your lives the best way I know how.
This has been a real nail biter and there’s plenty of time left but I must say good-bye for now.
Good night Mr. Spaulding,
The 12th Man.
ANNOUNCER immediately has his jacket taken off him and he’s handed a beer. He drinks the beer. He does not spit it out as he did the coffee.
ANNOUNCER: Seriously guys, how’s my hair? I think we need to do another, I couldn’t even hear myself think around here. I mean; do you have to do the interview in front of the students? I mean, geez. Come on guys: act professional. All right: take two. Try not to just sit there and smile all right Timmy, some of us are working…]