The following has been completely “copied” from a work that was not written by us (me) and then “playfully edited” in order to add a little “spice” into our time together this week. Even hand writing all of this and then re-typing it was an arduous task in and of itself (which is how I tell myself that I’m not really plagiarizing something if I took the time to actually look up the script, hand write it out and then re-type the whole thing). It was not intended to be remotely considered a production by us, your favorite little taproom, because we (I) believe that we all have a pretty solid sense of humor about these things and we can just go along with our daily lives and laugh a little bit through our belly spots. That said; maybe you’ll open our “bar” and find a golden ticket…
MR. TURKENTINE: Charlie Bucket.
CHARLIE: Yes, Mr. Turkentine?
MR. TURKENTINE: I shall need an assistant. Come and give me
(Charlie joins him at the front.)
We have here craft beer, amazing food, and a special mixture of
my own. Together it's awesome and dangerous stuff; blows you
away. And mixed together in the right way, as only I know
how, what do you think it makes?
CHARLIE: I don't know, sir.
MR. TURKENTINE: Of course you don't know. You don't know
because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then
you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you. And for a
student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do
I make myself clear?
CHARLIE: Yes, sir.
(The students laugh.)
MR. TURKENTINE: Good. Now, mixed together in the right way,
these three highly awesome ingredients make the finest
dread remover in the world. The trick is to pour them in in
equal amounts. Now, Charlie, you take the food and craft beer, and I'll take my own special mixture. You
ready? Good lad: pour.
(They pour; the mixture emits a small boom and a large
puff of smoke. The kids cheer.)
CHARLIE: Did we do it wrong?
MR. TURKENTINE: No, certainly not; this is for very big
Cases of having a bad day.
(Commotion in the hall.)
KID #1 (O.C.): I'm gonna get there first. Get out of my
MR. TURKENTINE: Now what's going on out there?
KID #2 (O.C.): I hope there's still some left.
(Mr. Turkentine opens the door.)
MR. TURKENTINE: You, Winkelmann, come here. What's
WINKELMANN: Three Penny is serving Hill Farmstead Harlan – their incredible IPA.
MR. TURKENTINE: Are you sure?
WINKELMANN: It's on the radio. And they’ve got a cask of Lawson’s Finest Three Pin Grin IPA for Saturday after the Farmer’s Market that they’re going to tap at 3 o’clock.
MR. TURKENTINE: Class dismissed!
WINKELMANN: No, no, that’s for Saturday.
MR. TURKENTINE: Class un-dismissed.
WINKELMANN: Well, right now they have Grassroots Legitimacy, Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale which is an English Style Pale Ale, and Stone’s Go To IPA which is a Session IPA from Stone so you know it’s going to be good and when was the last time you had a Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale on tap? It’s such a great beer.
MR. TURKENTINE: Where did you say this is?
WINKELMANN: Three Penny Taproom Sir! You have to go to the Three Penny to get it!
MR. TURKENTINE: Class re-dismissed!
KID #3 (O.C.): I'll meet you downstairs.
KID #4 (O.C.): I'm gonna get them all!
(Commotion continues; kids saying, "I'm gonna . . ."
fades into the general wash of noise.)
Well, folks, I hope that brought a little shine in to your naughty world. It was either this or I was going to write the whole part where Gene Wilder (with his Lewis Carrol looks) says, “Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of the contract signed by him it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if--and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy: "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera . . . fax mantis incendium gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera . . . memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!” but that wouldn’t let you know that we’re having a cask of Lawson’s on Saturday as well as the other great offerings that we have for you. But, it would have been fun.
Until the next time I decide to quote a scene from Willy Wonka,
Augustus Sweetheart Save Some Room For Later Taproom