For Immediate Release
International “Big Beer” Conglomerate to Acquire Three Penny Taproom “We’re as tired of fussing over craft beer as you are of drinking it,” say owners.
Montpelier, VT - April 1, 2015 - Montpelier craft beer mainstay Three Penny Taproom announced today that it will be acquired by an as-yet-unnamed multinational beverage company this month. The deal, designed to help bring so-called macro beer to Central Vermont, shocked some area residents, but according to insiders it was only a matter of time.
“We finally realize we need to give people what they really want, which is beer brewed the hard way,” says a source at the bar. “We’ve been spending our time curating a craft beer list from all over the world, and it took a Super Bowl commercial for us to realize we were taking the easy way out. It was a tough pill to swallow, but we finally get it - the only people who want craft beer are flannel-shirted dudes with waxed mustaches.”
The source went on to say that the bar will be re-branded into “probably some kind of sports bar.” All 24 of the existing taps will remain, but all the lines will simply go into a single keg of pale, fizzy golden suds.
This acquisition means not only will the beer change - the food menu will get a facelift as well. “We’re going to continue to move in the direction of the menu we announced last year,” says chef Stefano Coppola, “and we also plan to add some new items. There’s really some exciting stuff on the horizon, especially if you like your food as bland and homogenous as your beer!”
Three Penny Taproom was founded in 2009, and has been hailed as a “Craft Beer Mecca” before they got with the times. The acquisition is expected to go through on April 2, 2015, subject to customary closing conditions. In the event the acquisition is not completed, Three Penny will continue its outdated policy of serving delicious craft beer and food.