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Jay Ekis

Subversive but transparent...

I need help, folks. Well, in more ways than one but this time I just need assistance in a specific avenue that requires assuage. You see, I want to get into marketing, specifically slogans that we can use here at Three Penny. The catch is I am a stickler for not using something that’s already been used before; I don’t believe is making people chew the same piece of cabbage twice, you know?  

So I need something that’s finger-licking good. Something about eating fresh, something that explains what we “got.” I mean, we’ve got almost 50 Billion Served by now so that should warrant us talking about how much people are loving it. Maybe something musical? Something that goes “dum dum dum” at the end of the slogan so that people get used to that tone over and over again and it’ll just keep going and going and going and going. Or maybe a picture of a little girl carrying an umbrella that is seemingly protecting her from the fact that it’s raining salt on her and that can’t be good. Or, just straight up “Taproom Taproom” or “Yo quiero Three Penny!”

 

But something tells me there’s no such thing as an original thought and that those have been done before. So, I guess I just need to think different and just do it. I mean, once the ideas come to me they’ll just pop and I won’t be able to stop. But how do you spell relief from that? I mean, you’ll be in good hands but where’s the beef with the content of our message? I love chicken too and I love liver and somehow I’m just going to have to deliver for our customers. What would YOU do for the Taproom bar?

 

How would you market that? I mean, I think we’re grrrrrrreeeat! I think you do too. So maybe I don’t need to quit my job and go back to school for marketing and advertising and walk a mile for a camel just to come up with a good slogan for us. Maybe all I’ll do is dress up in all red with big red ears and a white belly with a weird mask and make pizza cold. Maybe that’s my angle. You can have it your way that way. Cool. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll just keep on keeping on and go with the flow and let you know what we’ve got for you in terms of beer.

 

 

Thanks for your help. I needed that.

 

 

So I’ll market the fact that we have a wonderful Kolsch (don’t call it that! It can’t be a Kolsch unless it’s from Cologne!) on right now from Ballast Point out of California. That’s where it’s made. And then we get it and then you drink the loveliness that is this straw colored ale brewed basically like a light and airy pilsner. Let’s call it a “Kolsch Style” so that person who speaks in parenthesis doesn’t come back (works for me).

 

Zero Gravity Double Down will be on soon as well and it’s not very often that we have a Double IPA from Zero Gravity and if history has proven anything to me it is that you should never wage a land war in Asia and always know that whatever Zero Gravity makes in golden like the town in Colorado (Color – A – Do).

 

Hill Farmstead Susan is on and should be for a couple of days but don’t wait those couple of days because it might not last for a couple of days and it’s an American IPA but you knew that.

 

We’re also pouring Lost Nation’s The Wind, which is perfectly marketed as their Gose that’s been dry-hopped with grapefruit and Citra hops. Because, that’s exactly what it tastes like. Man I love their Gose.

 

It also Gose without saying that we have the Dirty Mayor going on soon as well and that just about makes you the happiest person in the room reading this.

 

 

 

Well, folks, thanks again for all of your help. I’ll compile all that was said during the creation of this memorandum and get back to each and every one of you individually so please let me know what time(s) work for you. K?

 

 

Sincerely and Accordingly,

 

 

Justbehappyididn’tdothisentireemailabout80sdowopBillyJoelyou’vebeenwarned Taproom

 

 

Mr. Parentheses Guy wants a Post Script: (thank you. It should be mentioned that there’s about 24 references to Advertising Slogans and the like up there if you feel like counting. Also, I just made up a new word today; it’s called “plagiarism.”)

[knock knock knock] - "Can I Come In?"

This is serious.  

 

Have a seat.

 

 

You and I need to have a little “chat” about something.

 

 

 

It’s about your celebrations.

 

 

I know, I know, everyone you know is doing it. Everyone you know is having a “good time” and “singing along” and “spreading the catnip on the floor for the cat to have to anger the dog who doesn’t ‘get it’” but it’s getting out of hand.

 

 

I looked the other way when you signed up for that Cider Dinner at the Taproom for Sunday night at 6 PM. I’m well aware that you really enjoy having amazing food paired with completely different ciders from Champlain Orchards and I didn’t want to say anything but, well, the dog’s out of the receptacle now. Yes, the dinner looks AMAZING and can be seen on their website along with the ciders that are planned on being paired with the food but it’s getting out of control. I know you signed up early because the space is limited and it fills up fast but we just need to be honest with each other here and think about our actions.

 

Oh, and that “Sing Along” that you’re going to on Thursday night with Jay Ekis? I mean, last time I had to pull you from there kicking and screaming with the biggest smile I had ever seen on your face from singing along to all of these songs that everyone else was singing along to because the words were all printed out on paper so that you knew the words and Jay lead you like a pied piper to happiness. It was quite possibly the “greatest evening you’ve ever had.” Do you remember the last time? Do you? Well, you’re planning on doing that all over again, aren’t you?

 

I thought so.

 

 

 

That’s what we need to talk about.

 

 

That’s just too much.

 

 

Too much.

 

 

Now, I just want you to think about the fact that there’s all of these ciders available on tap right now.

 

 

I want you to think about the Urban Farm Fermentory from Portland, Maine and how there’s this big “to do” down at the Taproom this Friday where they’re (the UFF) are entering the state of Vermont and you want to drop down and show your support and welcome Eli and the gang into the greatest Republic in the nation. I want you to think about their ciders and kombucha and all of the great things that they’re bringing to the “Napa Valley of Ciders.” I want you to think about being there for all of these amazing events. I want you to think long and hard about it and then decide what’s important to you.

 

 

You’re still planning on going aren’t you?

 

 

I knew it!

 

 

Well, I’m not letting you go alone.

 

 

No sir.

 

 

You’re going to need a chaperone.

 

You’re going to need someone to come with you this Thursday for the Jay Ekis Super Gold Sing Along and then go back Friday for the Urban Farm Fermentory launch party and since you’ve already signed up for the Cider Dinner on Sunday night I guess you’ll need someone to go with you to that too. See what you did there?

 

It’s like you’re pulling me into your madness of bliss. I don’t know if I can take it but I’m going to passively and aggressively try not to enjoy every single second of these events.

 

While I’m at it I’m going to enjoy Stone’s Lucky Ba$tard (you thought I’d curse, didn’t you?) which is a blend of three different Ba$tards.

 

I’m going to sip voraciously on the 2013 Ballast Point Victory at Sea with all of its coffee and vanilla porter goodness. You better believe it. Yes sir-ree Robert.

 

 

And don’t think I won’t make you think I’m not enjoying all of those different ciders on tap.

 

 

Not for one second.

 

 

 

Not one.

 

 

Now get dressed and do me a favor and put your shoes on first this time, it’s way more enjoyable for me to try and see you debunk a Gary Larson comic, ok?

 

 

 

Golly.

 

 

 

We’vegotalotofthingsgoingonrightnowifyoucan’ttellandIdidn’tevenmentionhockeyONCEthisentiretimeGoFlyers Taproom

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THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!

Some people think their cucumbers taste better pickled. Some people think that their suntan lotion tastes exactly like coconuts. And, better yet, most people can agree that cheap beer tastes like buttered popcorn.

 

Most people have their preferences and that’s fine, it really is, don’t go judging people or anything. Since we’re in the final countdown (THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! – the song) of IPAugust I figured today would be a great time to discuss the different kinds of “IPA” that we have on tap right now or those that are coming on soon.

 

Why did I just put “IPA” inside of rabbit ears? Mostly because these beers that I’m about to discuss really push the envelope of what an IPA can be and then step completely over that shark and move on to other things like toasted bread and those pickles that you like so much better than cucumbers.

 

I’m a little pressed for time (as I’m sure you are as well) so I’m just going to get right into it and let you know a little bit more about each beer rather than trying to be all funny and stuff before hand and just go for the “detailed” approach that I mostly do when I write the staff and let them know about the beers. Trust me, I’m much less funny when I email the staff to discuss the beers but I definitely curse more (I’ll continue to spare you the potty mouth that I learned on the playgrounds where I spent most of my days).

 

Here we go:

 

Ahem. [Clears throat]

 

Evil Twin Femme Fatale Yuzu: Yuzu is a fruit of East Asian origin and is basically a citrus fruit that’s kind of like a sour mandarin (which is different than a sour mandolin – which I imagine is a mandolin that hasn’t been played in a while). The use of citrus fruits in IPAs is rather common since the whole of humanity now looks for the citrusy aspects of what the “newer” hops can provide in a beer. BUT, Evil Twin added a whole other dimension to this IPA by fermenting it with 100% Brettanomyces, which is a wild yeast. “Brett” adds a whole lot of tartness and funkiness to the beer already so adding a kind of sour mandarin will add to that. Someone inside of all of this lies a bunch of hops. You need to try it to check it out.

 

Lawson’s Finest Super Session #3 – Sorachi Ace: we don’t have much so this one is going to go real quick. Sorachi Ace is a hop that imparts a lot of lemon characteristics to the beer. Well; that and dill. A “session” IPA (which you’re all aware of by now) is a lower in alcohol yet still very hoppy beer. Mr. Lawson does these VERY well and you’d be hard pressed to find a better one.

 

Founders Dissenter: Ok. This takes the whole Double IPA thing (higher in alcohol and hoppier than a straight IPA) and instead of fermenting it with an Ale yeast (“fruity” (I loathe that description of Ale yeast – but there is no other way to describe it) and has a fuller body) they ferment it with a Lager yeast. What that does, generally, is make the beer more crisp and “lighter” in body. But, with this being a Double India Pale LAGER I’m sure there’s going to be more rounded hop profile while keeping that crispness and all that jazz.

 

Hill Farmstead Friendship & Devotion: This is collaboration between the Hill crew and Luc Bim Lafontaine; they’re good friends. What they came up with is a citrusy and salty (you read that correctly) IPA. We’re all used to the citrusy IPAs that have been coming down from the Hill in recent years and this one pushes that style by the addition of salt. Spark notes: tart, refreshing, citrusy, awesome sauce in a glass.

 

 

We have others but it’s probably good to just mention those and drop the mike.

 

 

I’m glad I made it through this memorandum to you without quoting the song that has been stuck in my head all morning. Otherwise you’d have this song about a speck on a flea on the tail of a frog on a log on the bottom of the sea.

 

Good thing that didn’t happen, right?

 

 

Cheers y’all and be good to each other,

 

There’s a frog, there’s a frog, there’s a frog, there’s a frog, there’s a frog on the bottom of the Taproom. 

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Elementary Penguin Singing Hare Krishna - 2/12/14 Update

In all actuality, I’m just like you. Really, I am. I start my day off with a well balanced breakfast of thirty seven eggs, toast made from grain that I grew myself, four stacks of flapjacks and two stacks of pancakes (because there’s a difference) in the shape of Abraham Lincoln all while humming the entire soundtrack to All the King’s Men just before I brush my teeth in a circular motion nine times in each direction with three different teethbrushes just like you do. That is, of course, after I’ve thrown my pants into the air and performed a standing back kick flip twist lunge luger Anthony to get them (my legs) into the appropriate holes and then use the Force to get my zipper up, just like you do. And, just like you, I sing in the shower. Of course my shower is underground and filled with stalactites and stalagmites as it should be. And, just like you (which I shouldn’t even have to say by now because we’re totally on the same page and dancing in the night) I always wish that there were someone, actually a room full of people, to sing with. And while it might get a little awkward having that many people knowing what kind of environmentally friendly hand soap I use or the brand of shower cap I sport it would be great and community oriented.

 

Well good reader, your wish is about to come true.

 

[There needs to be some sort of musical introduction here – editor’s note]

 

Tomorrow night we are completely not transforming the dining room into a shower filled with stalactites and stalagmites. But, we are having Jay Ekis host his SUPER GOLD SING ALONG!!!

 

Seriously, if you miss this then all of the people that attend it will have to tell you how amazing it was and how much fun they had and they’ll feel bad because they’ll see your face and the situation (I’ve heard it’s called the “Sitch” now? Is that true?) be all like “man, you really should have been there and now you have a pouty face like the pouty face that no one likes to see or make and I feel bad that I told you I had so much fun so let’s just forget I told you and eat caramels REALLY slow and look in separate directions.”

 

What it is: Jay Ekis comes in and sets up enhanced listening devices known as a Public Address system and then plays his guitar. The songs he’ll be playing are familiar and if they aren’t, he even has hand outs with the lyrics to the songs on it because the lyrics that you thought were in that popular song are all wrong but he’s got it on paper so you can SING ALONG WITH HIM. It’s encouraged and everything.

 

What it was: nextly, we’d (I’d – let’s be serious here) like to thank the hordes for commencing upon us for our Bigfoot vertical from Sierra Nevada on Monday. There might actually be some left at press time so just try and get here and we’ll just try and take care of you.

 

What it should be: all right, we might as well stop delaying the inevitable and talk about beer for once, right? Let’s not kid ourselves here.

 

Here is what is either on right now or what is soon to come:

 

-       Let me introduce you to my good friend the Farmhouse Pale Ale from Oxbow brewing company. Let’s all think about an American Pale Ale. We know it. We love it. We’ve named our kids after it. Now, in a completely weird and awesome twist, let’s think about Farmhouse ales (or Saisons, which are a sublet property of Mr. Farmhouse). Their yeasts are lovely and inviting. I wonder what would happen if someone were to make what could be described as an American Pale Ale but instead of an Ale yeast, they went crazy and brewed it (fermented it, really) with a Farmhouse yeast? Craziness.

-       Oh Look! Over there! It’s our neighbor the Stone Levitation! Woohoo! Man do I love his lovely Amber ways. So good.

-       What’s that? You haven’t been introduced to the Saxonator of Jack’s Abby? I must remedy this at once. Excuse me, Mr. Saxonator? I see you’re very busy being a strong, malty dopplebock with all your raisiny goodness and all but you must meet our reader at once. This is the reader (psst, that’s you).

-       Uh-Oh. Don’t look. OMGLOGFHDKSLLLL! I can’t believe that he’s here. Not after all that leaving us so early last time. Hey Hill Farmstead! Hey George! We haven’t seen you in what feels like a couple of months and we’ve been awaiting your return with baited breath.

 

 

Ok. I think that’s enough playing around with words for one day. I promise to be completely quiet for the rest of the week as I normally do after we do our weekly chat. If you see me talking at all, I give you permission to tell me that I told you that I usually don’t speak at all and that I should stop. Until then…

 

Cheers friends. Be good to one another if that’s your thing (not to tell you what to do or anything but it should be).

 

Regards,

 

The Walrus, the Eggman. Coo Coo and all that. 

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Ninety Percent Mental and the Rest is Physical...

EXT: ANNOUNCER sits in a chair. A pale peach bib hangs from his neck. Someone with too many necklaces on is hovering over him, spraying things into his hair and dabbing makeup to his cheeks. He sips from a paper cup and spits the contents out onto the ground, disturbing the helper’s hair appointment. He sits again and is further being attended to as the sound of necklaces rattling paint the air.

 

ANNOUNCER: Donna?! Donna! I told you I wanted hot coffee. How far did you have to go and get this? It’s ice cold. What is this a hockey rink? Why can’t we get hot coffee around here. I mean; geez you guys.

 

            ANNOUNCER gets further attended to and stands. Another helper comes from STAGE LEFT and helps him put on his coat very awkwardly. Once dressed he is handed an extremely thin and elongated microphone and stands CENTER, right in front of a camera that is resting on the shoulder of the person using it, one person stands there with LARGE cards and one person just, well, stands there with really bad hair and a tendency to wave at no one in particular.

 

ANNOUNCER: Ok. How’s my hair? Good? Ok. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue. There are four pilots on the flight deck. Ok. I’m ready.

 

            MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA puts his hands up in what would, among most circles, mean the number “5.” Then, miraculously, his hand then goes to the universal “4.” You get the idea. All the way down to “1” and then he points to the ANNOUNCER.

 

 

 

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon sports fans and welcome to a live broadcast of today’s match up against two highly touted teams going head to head in the grudge match of the century. These two will battle it out to see where the dirt lies when the dust settles and they’re going head to head to settle the score. Each team has painstakingly prepared and the hay is in the barn. Now, all that’s left is to draw first blood and maintain the possession necessary to come away with the valuable efforts of idols amongst the likes of men and women. Let’s take a look at today’s lineup because it’s a beautiful day to play so let’s play two.

 

First, for the home team, the team whose beds are closest, we scour through their lineup with a fine-toothed comb:

 

Leading off and manning the greatest portion of pitch is The Super Bowl. Many have heard of the super human strength of this event in the past and we’re not talking about the game itself. What we’re talking about here is the actual bowls filled by the dips of everyone taking part in the Great Dip-Off at Three Penny. Every year contestants sharpen their spikes and put on the foil (literally) of the best dip that they can come up with. Then, during the Super Bowl their painstaking preparation will be judged and a winner will be crowned. Remember folks, you can’t win if you don’t show up and winning isn’t everything but we’ll all get full from the fruits of your labor.

 

Batting second to none is our new menu debuting next Monday. The Kitchen Team has assembled born winners that you’ll be sure to ask for autographs with a permanent pen. They’ve really outdone themselves this time and we’re really excited to lay in all on the line for you. With great individual efforts and a solid foundation, the Kitchen has really put their iron pants and brought their “A” game. We think you’ll agree; they really have had their heads in the game. Like a well-oiled machine they’re steamrolling towards you like a bull in a china factory if your taste buds were a china factory. 

 

Next up is a real barnburner of an idea.  The last time we had Jay Ekis’ in house doing his Solid Gold Sing Along he took the house down. A good time was had by all and no one was headed to the turnstiles until the last ounce of energy was left on the field. He’s back and always better than every. The day before Valentine’s day will go down as the day of infamy and Mr. Ekis will give his great individual effort in order to make the team better by playing in the corner. He’ll be putting on a clinic and you are encouraged to sing along! It gets your head in the game when you get to act like a team and play like a team. So, we’ll see you here on the 13th of February for a whole new ballgame of unanswered points.

 

Now let’s take a look at the utility players chomping at the bit to contribute to the team as a whole:

 

A stout defender and a stout in general, we turn our attention first to the Founders Imperial Stout. Starting out at a young age from humble beginnings, this beer is a surefire laser of a base hit. Truly it is the nail in the coffin for Imperial Stouts.

 

Flanking him on the left will be Victory Hop Ticket. Wearing number 4.7% ABV Tick (as his teammates call him) isn’t one to trot the bases often; he’s just a small ball kind of guy. But it’s the fractions that matter in a game of inches and you can get down the field anyway you want, as long as you get there. A real juggernaut of Session IPAs, Tick takes the field every day and is always the first one in the building and the last to leave.

 

 On deck and batting clean up is a guy who needs no introduction. This round mound of rebound goes by the name Enjoy By but everyone just knows him as 2/14/14. You see; that’s your dead line to catch this spectacle of spectacular in the flesh. It's a 9.4% Imperial IPA that’s as fresh as Kentucky Bluegrass in the springtime at Yankee Stadium. You can’t get to the hall of fame without first walking through the door so get here fast as this is faster than a speeding bullet and goes down with the ease of three pumas dancing.

 

But wait, it’s not over til it’s over and the fat lady and Elvis are off getting hot dogs. We put our whole blade on the ice for this one: soon, we’ll see the triumphant return of the Cuvee des Jacobin Rouge.  A real knock out of the park here, folks. Jake is a fine, outstanding player with great speed and a knack for the net. The crowd will go wild and babies will be named after it, statues will be erected of the one that separated the men from the boys.  It hits the head right on the screws as an amazing Flanders Red, perfectly companioned with a glass to drink it out of and everything.

 

Well, without further ado and without the aid of nets, I leave you to witness the rest of your days with a little light in your step and a lift to your hearts. Remember, you don’t play not to lose; you play to win. In whatever your day brings you and the days coming up I hope you have the good foot in the right place and rub some dirt on it. Just keeping in mind that you have to act like you’ve been there before and nothing comes for free so put in the long hours and dedication to the overall picture and you’re bound to come out of the other side. Until the braces clatter will glee and the puck starts bouncing in our favor I’ll keep on bringing you all the pertinent information that I see fit to enhance your lives the best way I know how.

 

This has been a real nail biter and there’s plenty of time left but I must say good-bye for now.

 

Good night Mr. Spaulding,

 

The 12th Man.

 

            ANNOUNCER immediately has his jacket taken off him and he’s handed a beer. He drinks the beer. He does not spit it out as he did the coffee.

 

 

ANNOUNCER: Seriously guys, how’s my hair? I think we need to do another, I couldn’t even hear myself think around here. I mean; do you have to do the interview in front of the students? I mean, geez. Come on guys: act professional. All right: take two. Try not to just sit there and smile all right Timmy, some of us are working…]

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