I need help, folks. Well, in more ways than one but this time I just need assistance in a specific avenue that requires assuage. You see, I want to get into marketing, specifically slogans that we can use here at Three Penny. The catch is I am a stickler for not using something that’s already been used before; I don’t believe is making people chew the same piece of cabbage twice, you know?  

So I need something that’s finger-licking good. Something about eating fresh, something that explains what we “got.” I mean, we’ve got almost 50 Billion Served by now so that should warrant us talking about how much people are loving it. Maybe something musical? Something that goes “dum dum dum” at the end of the slogan so that people get used to that tone over and over again and it’ll just keep going and going and going and going. Or maybe a picture of a little girl carrying an umbrella that is seemingly protecting her from the fact that it’s raining salt on her and that can’t be good. Or, just straight up “Taproom Taproom” or “Yo quiero Three Penny!”


But something tells me there’s no such thing as an original thought and that those have been done before. So, I guess I just need to think different and just do it. I mean, once the ideas come to me they’ll just pop and I won’t be able to stop. But how do you spell relief from that? I mean, you’ll be in good hands but where’s the beef with the content of our message? I love chicken too and I love liver and somehow I’m just going to have to deliver for our customers. What would YOU do for the Taproom bar?


How would you market that? I mean, I think we’re grrrrrrreeeat! I think you do too. So maybe I don’t need to quit my job and go back to school for marketing and advertising and walk a mile for a camel just to come up with a good slogan for us. Maybe all I’ll do is dress up in all red with big red ears and a white belly with a weird mask and make pizza cold. Maybe that’s my angle. You can have it your way that way. Cool. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll just keep on keeping on and go with the flow and let you know what we’ve got for you in terms of beer.



Thanks for your help. I needed that.



So I’ll market the fact that we have a wonderful Kolsch (don’t call it that! It can’t be a Kolsch unless it’s from Cologne!) on right now from Ballast Point out of California. That’s where it’s made. And then we get it and then you drink the loveliness that is this straw colored ale brewed basically like a light and airy pilsner. Let’s call it a “Kolsch Style” so that person who speaks in parenthesis doesn’t come back (works for me).


Zero Gravity Double Down will be on soon as well and it’s not very often that we have a Double IPA from Zero Gravity and if history has proven anything to me it is that you should never wage a land war in Asia and always know that whatever Zero Gravity makes in golden like the town in Colorado (Color – A – Do).


Hill Farmstead Susan is on and should be for a couple of days but don’t wait those couple of days because it might not last for a couple of days and it’s an American IPA but you knew that.


We’re also pouring Lost Nation’s The Wind, which is perfectly marketed as their Gose that’s been dry-hopped with grapefruit and Citra hops. Because, that’s exactly what it tastes like. Man I love their Gose.


It also Gose without saying that we have the Dirty Mayor going on soon as well and that just about makes you the happiest person in the room reading this.




Well, folks, thanks again for all of your help. I’ll compile all that was said during the creation of this memorandum and get back to each and every one of you individually so please let me know what time(s) work for you. K?



Sincerely and Accordingly,



Justbehappyididn’tdothisentireemailabout80sdowopBillyJoelyou’vebeenwarned Taproom



Mr. Parentheses Guy wants a Post Script: (thank you. It should be mentioned that there’s about 24 references to Advertising Slogans and the like up there if you feel like counting. Also, I just made up a new word today; it’s called “plagiarism.”)